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A Slackers Guide To Immortality Chapter 45

45 A Soused Hog And Chaos Ii


The Scholar was down at Freedom Town rounding up all the Tater Slaves to give them thier new marching orders.

"We have almost 4 tons of meat back at the Elder's shack there will be no sleep until it's made into chops,sausages,and bacon. Put those tater rakes down and grab something to slice with." The Scholar said as he reached into his slacks pocket to pull out a peppermint stick. 'Tobacco is so unhealthy. I wish I could convince the others to give it up.' He slurped on his stick of hard candy as he watched Scar go back into the toolshed at the side of the barn and toss out a few machetes, an axe, a hacksaw,and several smaller knives.

"These are all sect property and shall be returned back to me. It will be a cold day in hell should any of you decide to keep any of these blades." Scar said before he grabbed a whetsone from a shelf inside the tool room and began to hone the machete in his hand.

Back at the Junk Hall Jimbo had started to scrape the blood from Jeffy's side into several of the empty mason jars around the shop courtesy of Three's booze session last night.

'Might be toxic, I agree experimentation on Grubworm is for the best before we start ingesting this stuff ourselves.'

Jeffy had the squirrels bring the promised nuts and a couple of truffles from the pile in his father's cave. Jimbo's expression was pretty sedate seeing the squirrels doing the pig's bidding. Jeffy was curious so he asked

'I thought you would be more animated seeing these cute woodland creatures under my control. Why aren't you more in wonder?'

Jimbo grinned before he started to think of all the Gypsy folk tales he knew in rapid fire succession. Jeff's mental state was begining to deteriorate and he was going crosseyed.

'Please have mercy Tinker. Make it stop it's so painful. So many terrible shitty stories with the same plot.' Jeffy went on a rampage in his beserk state he charged into the shop wall nearest to him. Leaving a Jeffy sized hole in the sheet metal behind him, Jeffy didn't stop running until he made it to Freedom Town. He jumped the fence intent on letting his madness pass out from his loins into the throws of passionate sex with the two old sows in the barn.

The tater slaves and The Scholar were on their way back to the Elder's when they heard the wild sounds of the lovemaking from a mile away. 'Looks like we may have some little piglets yet.' "Just keep it moving tater slaves. I promise to open up a jar of sauerkraut when we're done."

Joe and Three arrived back at the Junk Hall shortly after Jeffy's grand exit. "Jimbo are you home? I brought your son back in mostly one piece.Why is this drum full of torpedo juice?" Three was looking at the trough Jeffy had been drinking from as she was walking through the freshly made hole in his wall.


Joe was staring hungrily at the pile of walnuts and truffles in a small pile in the center.of the shop floor. He helped himself to a walnut and bite of truffle. He also took a long drink from the trough. The truffle had a reduced effect from the time before barely any techno music to be heard.

"Your friend Jeffy stopped by, don't drink any of that blood in the jar he warned me it wasn't a good idea. It's not common pig's blood."

Just as he spoke the warning Joe had already dipped his finger into the jar for a taste. "Well best not let it go to waste eh... let's make a hunchpunch." Joe swirled his finger into the 35 or so gallons of rotgut whiskey and pig saliva in the drum. He squeezed the juice from the fresh truffles in that for good measure. Joe hesitantly took an empty jar to get a drink of his new concoction. He swallowed it down in a single gulp. The taste was reminiscent of honey and plums. He was filled to the brim with energy as if he could run for days. He was then hit with a severe pain in his hands they were glowing as if they were on fire. His long burnt away hair regrew in an instant it was down to his waist it was now platinum blonde. He punched the air and his balled fist let loose a ball of energy that put a large hole in the tarp roof.

"Damnit boy I didn't want to remodel any time soon!" Jimbo said as he watched his beautiful home being destroyed.

"I have the Power.No longer will I be subject to being your slave. I can love my life in freedom." Joe was relishing his new found powers but it was short lived as Three jumped on his back to get him in a rear naked choke. Joe did a mare's throw to dislodge her from his back. She was thrown aside. As Joe was distracted Jimbo had picked up a 30lb sledgehammer and hit Joe on the tip of his nose. Joe was in tears, but he puched back at Jimbo the wind from his punches rattled the tin clad walls. Jimbo's combat training was serving him well. The shop was being thrown further into disarray. Cans of paint were being scattered all over the place smaller objects in the shop were being sent flying. All of the nudie calendars were ripped and torn to pieces. Jimbo activated a small hammer amulet around his neck a bronze phantasmal hammer winked into existence before striking Joe on his head driving him into the ground like a nail. Joe was buried up to his ears with only his nose and eyes sticking out of the soil.

"You little shit that's the last time you are allowed in the house. I told you to stop messing up my porn stash man!" Jimbo was out of breath as he bellowed at Joe from the top of his lungs.
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